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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  December 17, 2015 2:07am-2:38am PST

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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight. here is your moment of zen. >> the win, number one in the straw poll vote in charleston, south carolina was ted cruz. 31 votes. number two, ben carson, 24 votes. john kasich came in third with 22. done add trump fourth with 18. all right, there's a guy who is >> larry: tonightly we ask who won the fifth republican debate last night-- trump, cruz, or the 12 lucky viewers who died in freak accidents right before it started? i think i know who did. is is a north carolina town bans solar farms after residents argue that solar panels might cause cancer.
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hmm, you know what else might cause cancer? the 200 billion cigarettes north carolina produces each year. ( cheers and applause ) maybe. it's possible. i don't know. and some people are mad that serena williams won "sports illustrated's" sportsperson of the year instead of american pharoah the horse. ( laughter ) in response, american pharoah said nothing, because he's a horse. this is "the nightly show." let's do it! captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome to "the nightly show." >> larry! larry! larry!
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>> larry: thank you so much. what a nice crowd we have tonight. chanting my favorite christmas carol, too. larry! larry. i'm larry wilmore. we've got a terrific show for you tonight. t-pain is here tonight. ( cheers and applause ) as you guys know, the big g.o.p. debate was last night, so it's time to check in with america's quest to de-negrofy the white house. that's right. let's see what's happening with the unblackening! let me just give you a little background about this debate. so ben carson, his numbers have been going down, and some people theorize it's due to his lack of foreign policy experience. he doesn't sound like he knows what he's talking about. well, guess what this debate is
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about foreign policy. so come on out, and show them what you know, dr. carson. >> thank you, wolf. please join me for a moment of silence and remembrance of the san bernardino victims. thank you. ( laughter ) >> larry: all right, man, bring us all down first. why are you asking for a moment of silence? we can barely hear you as it is. why does he want to be silent? i'll tell you what this feels like to me. this feels like stalling. right? he doesn't want to talk about foreign policy. carson's acting like a kid who has to do a book report for a book he didn't read! "i'll get to 'the red badge of courage' in a moment, but first, join me in a moment of
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silence for all the civil war soldiers." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) all right, anyway, what happened during the rest of the debate? >> donald you're not going to be able to insult your way to the presidency. >> you started over here, jeb. you're moving over further and further. pretty soon you'll be to the end. >> larry: that was basically it. trump was an ass, and we didn't care about anybody else. the best moment in the debate came from lindsey graham, who was already pushed off the end to the kiddie table debate. >> at least 3500 more than muslims serving in the armed forces. thank you for your service. ( applause ) you are not the enemy. your religion is not the enemy. leave the faith alone. go after the radicals that kill us all. >> larry: wow.
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wow. i have to tell you, that statement was powerful. it was decent. that's the most decent thing i've heard in any of these debates. just out of curiosity, how's decency polling in the race right now? 0%. well, regardless, this is the definition of tough talk in my mind. when you say something that is not red meat meant for the base, not meant to get votes, it's just the right thing to do. wow, lindsey graham. man, you have won me over, man. it's a christmas miracle. what else you got, senator graham? come on! >> i miss george w. bush. i wish he were president right now. >> larry: (bleep) me. i knew it was too good to last. trump 2016. the only thing i like better than politicians i don't care about arguing with each other all night is pundits i don't care about arguing with each other all night.
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>> let me finish. >> you jerk. >> let me finish. let me finish. >> let me tell you where you're right and where you're wrong. >> do i get to actually speak now? >> larry: and it really doesn't matter what they're arguing. they just get paid to argue. so here at "the nightly show," we're jumping onboard the mindless argument bandwagon in a segment we call "pardon the integration." yeah. all right! yeah! ( cheers and applause ) please welcome our debaters, "nightly show" contributors. mike yard and rory albanese. okay. boys, you know the rules. you're both going to argue one side of an issue, and when the bell rings, you switch sides, proving that if you're having an argument on cable television, whatever side you're on is completely irrelevant.
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we ready to do this? now, rory, you're jewish. and, mike, obviously, you're black. ( laughter ) so let's start with a nice seasonal racial question: hannukah or kwanzaa, which is better? >> rory: as a jew, i'll admit hanukkah is kind of lame compared to christmas. if christmas is disney world, if christmas is disney world, hanukkah is definitely epcot center. >> same thing. but kwanzaa's like one of those traveling carnivals-- you know the one where someone dies on the tea cups every summer. nobody even knows what it is. >> no, you did not! of course nobody knows what kwanzaa is because white america is scared of our african roots and words like kwanzaa are too difficult for them to even say. >> rory: really, mike, and chanukkah just rolls off the tongue? come on! so if kwanzaa is so important to you, then what is it? >> mike: it's like a thing with candles.
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>> here we go! >> there may be a hat component. there's, like, seven principles for each candle. see! i don't even! the white man's got me so brainwashed with this christmas (bleep), i don't even know my own holiday. >> rory: oh, here we go, blaming the white man! you don't know your own holiday and it's my fault? >> mike: who taught me christmas? the white man, that's who. you ever see an african christmas tree? no, because it's a desert. >> larry: okay, all right. very good, gentlemen. very good. you know what that noise means. it means it's now time to switch sides and argue the opposite perspective because, remember, this is a mindless argument. is all right, okay. very good. and go! >> let me say this, mike. kwanzaa is a gift.
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>> for who! >> for each special day, a candle is lit to honor one of the seven different principles of the holiday. for instance, on the eve of kuumba i. >> don't you kuumba me! don't you dare come on this show and kuumba me? >> you light candles for special days. just copied hanukkah. hanukkah has been around for thnders of years. kwanzaa was invented by some brother in long beach in 1965. kwanzaa literally younger than larry! >> larry: what the (bleep)? keep me out of this. >> rory: yeah, mike, according to the white man's history, it was started in 1965. of course, since african history was scrubbed, it's sort of tough to keep track of when anything started! >> mike: oh, here we go with the white man again! every single time something doesn't work out perfectly for black people, it's time to blame whitey. >> read a book. read a book.
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>> all right, well done, guys! okay. i think that's the end of that round. and guess what? nobody won. because this was a very mindless exercise. and before we go to commercial-- santa: black or white? >> he's black. >> of course, he's a white man! >> we'll be right back.
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♪oh-oh it's you, hey you. the nba is back on twitter. ♪ porzingis, wow! [bell] ♪ [static] ♪well you. [camera sound] ♪ ♪you got me breaking all the rules it's you.♪ ♪baby, you.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. you guys know that i'm a huge believer in science. so every once in a while, a story comes along that makes me want to scientifically throw myself in front of a train. like this story out of woodland, north carolina. >> a north carolina town is getting a lot of attention after it decided to put future solar farms on hold.
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>> one resident worried that solar panels would keep the vegetation from growing. and another resident reportedly feared that solar farms would suck up all the energy from the sun. ( laughter ) >> larry: no, woodland north carolina! that's not how science works! you guys are aware that thunder isn't god bowling, right? and you've heard that the girl doesn't get pregnant because the boy goes wee wee in her tummy? right? right. ( applause ) ( cheers ) i'm sorry. bad, bad. okay, maybe i'm being unreasonable. the sun is a very mysterious celestial object. maybe it wasn't clearly explained in science class. >> the group was made of up of mostly long-time local residents, including a retired science teacher. >> larry: okay, hold on one second. a science teacher supports this?
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the person we trust to teach our kids about critical thinking and exploring the natural world, and she's on the side of the argument that believes the sun is leaking heat juice? ( laughter ) and we have to plug the holes? in fact, we've got some exclusive footage here. this is absolutely true. we're so excited about this. take a look at what happened when these residents of woodland, north carolina, actually got a look at their first solar panel. by the way, by the way-- hold on. that joke isn't racist because i'm assuming these people were white. ( laughter ) if they weren't white, please don't tell me about it. once again... i'm really awful tonight. i don't know what's going on. to get the local perspective on this story, we sent our own ricky velez down to woodland, north carolina. ricky! >> what's up, larry? >> ricky, what the hell are you
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wearing? this place is the tits, larry! the locals don't understand anything! i showed them my iphone and told them i'm from the future. now they worship meaise god, dude, it's awesome! >> larry: these people believe you're a god!? >> ricky: yeah, they call me rickooloo the wise. it's dope as hell. look. wooo-oooo"p." >> larry: stop it, ricky, stop it. what's with the spaceboard? >> ricky: i told these people i was cursed with wheelfeet as punishment for offending the god of wind. they think i move this thing my mind. it's ridiculous. wheelfeet? >> larry: ricky, this is ridiculous. you can't take advantage of the most gullible town in america! >> ricky: why not? this is fun. last night, i told them the moon is a night-sun that steals their dreams. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: ricky -- wait. is that true?
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>> not at all, larry. but now i've got the town tow myselfar 8:00 p.m. ooooh, i gotta go! >> larry: what's that sound? >> ricky: they're doing a ceremony for me. i'm gonna give the old people some ibuprofen and convince them i have healing powers. >> larry: come on, ricky. this is totally exploitative. you're being unfair. >> ricky: what's worse, larry, having a little fun with this backwards town, or the fact that these people are so uninformed about science that they're standing in the way of real progress on renewable energy ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: okay. i mean, you got a good point. go have your fun. >> ricky: yo, everybody, do you know what the ocean is? >> larry: ricky velez everyone. we'll be right back.
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this feud has gotten a little out of hand. when you think about it, all the scents are great. friends? friends. ♪they were best friends all along♪ ♪they just didn't know it ♪but i started singing the song ♪and now the friendship's showing♪ ♪they're best friends since about 12 seconds ago♪ ♪they're best friends and now they're really, really old♪ [old spice whistle] (spritz) [old spice whistle] > >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show"
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contributor holly walker. ( cheers and applause ) and "nightly show" contributor grace parra. ( cheers and applause ) and his new single "officially yours" will be available in january on itunes, two-time grammy award-winning singer, t-pain. ( cheers and applause ) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @ nightly show using the hashtag "tonightly." >> larry: earlier this week there was a ton of controversy over 10sis great larry wilmore being chosen as "sports illustrated" sports important year. the controversy came after "sports illustrated" had the reader's vote on who they thought the winner should be, triple crowd winner and horse. american pharoah won with the most votes. and now horse people are all having a ( bleep ) that serena won. why do you think people are so passionate about this horse? what's going on here? >> i mean, first of all, who is
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writing into "sports illustrated" in this day and age? who is writing letters? if there's anybody -- >> they wrote actual letters. >> they wrote actual letters. >> they mailed it out. >> this is an outrage! >> larry: it was a big story. >> it's the female readers. theor trying to see the underside of that horse. i know what's going on. >> damn! damn! man, i'm telling you, if the horses was sprawled out on that chair like serena was-- they want to see something special. and i don't blame them. >> larry: you know what's funny? we actually-- i mean, i can't say as crazy as that is. we had-- let's show serena's cover real quick. we actually said what if the hofers posed like that on the cover? would it sell? let's just show real quick.
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there you go. >> that's a sexy horse. >> larry: that's a sexy horse, you guys. >> you got yourself a cover. >> larry: should serena have won? >> oh, yeah. >> absolutely. let me break this down for you. >> larry: break it down. >> she won last year her 700th career win. >> larry: wow, i didn't know-- >> she started as number one, she ended up as number one. that was two consecutive years that she's done that. that hasn't happened since steffi graf did that in 1990. she had a serena slam, and she inspired me to memorize all those statistics. so. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: go ahead. >> she also found time to boirchg drake. >> larry: what's interesting is "sports illustrated" readers, there were, like, 12 candidates. it wasn't just serena against the horse. "who do you like better, serena or the horse?"
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serena came in 11th out of 12. >> i'm going to look for-- go to page whatever-- for the interview. like, i'm not looking for the back-and-forth of the horse in an interview. that's not something i'm really looking for. you know, serena has a lot of accomplishments, and we're talking about a horse, man. you know what i'm saying? >> larry: i know, i know. >> we're not even talkin talkint his jockey. >> unless it's mr. ed, we ain't hearing much of nothing. you know what i'm saying? >> wil-bus, r. >> i do want to know why we're not talking about the jockey. as a mexican who has ridden a few stallions in her day. >> larry: let's talk about that cover. do you think that cover-- is that too glam for a sports cover? some people are saying why-- >> you bring up a good point. if bounce afs in like serena
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with that, we wouldn't care. but for some reason because it's an athlete, we take offense. >> and guys don't care if it's the swimsuit edition they can be splayed like that any time -- >> splayed. >> i'll tell you later. i'll tell you later. >> larry: please. i'm sure i'll say, "holly, remember when you..." go ahead. explain. >> people have been on her about, like, well you're-- you have physical strength, so that's masculine and not feminine and not sexy. and she's like, "this is all me." >> larry: she wanted to do it. >> that's right. >> larry: that was her idea. >> it was her idea. >> she could have easily been in normal tennis attire, with a racket. >> she is -- >> why are people obsessed with
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serena's looks? >> i think it's a win-win because she's got the ass of a horse. i love it. i have no problem with that. i think people-- as we-- >> she's got the ass of a horse! >> larry: it's too much for me to unpack. too much. too many layers of irony. >> i think it's natural intimidation, man. there's nothing else. people being intimidated by a strong woman, sitting on the damn throne in a magazine. i have to love it. that's what it is. >> larry: do you think someone like rhonda rousey, who is knock people out, do you think they're changing our view of women's sports? >> i think slowly. it will take a long time. >> larry: people consider them women and people consider them bad ass. it's not like "oooh, she's
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good..." >> it's changing slowly because people are still watching the w.n.b.a., so with women and rhonda rousey, for her, she's been-- guys like watching women hit other women. >> larry: that's like violence. that's like-- they like to see anybody getting knocked out. >> as far as they are concerned, that is like girl-on-girl action. >> they hope they slip up and start make out. >> exactly. >> larry: all right, we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) this year, give your family a gift... can't get from those other guys. hurry to t-mobile today and get four lines with up to six gigs each. just thirty bucks a line. that's six gigs each, plus unlimited video streaming with binge on. stream netflix, hbo now, hulu, and more...
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